Saturday, February 17, 2007

Disconnected

Although it’s been a while, there are times when I just feel out of sync. Oh yes, I’m fine. If asked, that’s my answer and I’m sticking to it. It might just be a sense of proportion, for I know this is an exciting time in my life. And I have been riding this wave for a while now. Life has been good and I take pride that in the areas where I could make the difference, I have done so - not only with tenacity I am so familiar with, but also with the consistency that I am not. All the same, today and for the past several, I have been feeling a little ill at ease and I can’t quite put my finger on it.

It would be arrogant beyond belief to say that nobody understands… that I am the only one who has ever felt this way even if I can't describe what “this way” is. But I’ll try -

Everything is pretty well caught up. Ok, that’s not entirely true, but in the very short term, things are done. There are a number of things that are looming down the road - some due to my own choices, wreckage from my past as it were - and others are simply associated with any major changes in life and lifestyle. Many unknowns and possibilities are coming up and I think it is safe to say that there is no small amount of trepidation on my part. Indeed… some of it is quite likely fear.

Graduation is only about three short months away. Until recently, I didn’t have to think too much about the future; to get my degree, the direction was pretty well defined. Sure there have been options, and choices had to be made, but they have been pretty limited and bad choices weren’t included among the options. For the last three plus years all I had to do was follow a well-defined path. Beginning in June, my path is entirely up to me and there are plenty of unknowns. It’s the real world again rushing up to greet me.

I’ve been here before. I have leapt without looking more times than I care to remember. At least this time I am far more prepared for what lies ahead. Perhaps that is part of the problem. I know enough to know what I don’t. True, I’m not jumping headfirst into an empty pool this time, but do I know how to swim? Oddly enough, the very knowledge that my degree will have bestowed upon me has me questioning whether I know what I’m doing. At the same time, I am very confident that I am capable of writing for just about anyone. So I guess I am also somewhat confused.

In the meantime, I feel disconnected in my social life as well. I think this is due to the uncertainty of what the coming months will bring. I am feeling unwilling to commit, yet I am committed. I have an incredibly close group of friends that is fairly large - almost too large… large enough to get lost in. I want to say that they just don’t understand, not because they don’t (as far as school is concerned, many of them probably don’t), but because it takes the onus off me. That way, it’s not me. But it is, and it’s important that I understand it or I will certainly place blame when there is none.

Look, my life is good. It’s better than it’s ever been - seriously. I have much to be grateful for, many friends and family to thank and, for my part, much to be proud of. Coming out of the fix I was in just a few short years ago was no small feat and there is no way I could have done it alone. Perhaps I have become just a little jaded by good fortune or maybe the relative quality of my life leaves me needing more. That is a very dangerous place, one I am all too familiar with. Writing all this out helps put things back into proportion.

19 comments:

JD's Rose said...

Life is a journey, not a destination. The ride would be rather boring if you already had every mile planned out.

Michele sent me.

Mr. Althouse said...

JDR ~

Welcome. So nice of you to visit. I agree, life is a journey and I also believe that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be. If I weren't, I'd be somewhere else. Before I changed it, my profile over on my sidebar said exactly the words you used. There is no "there." It took me many, many years to learn that. It's nice to see others figure it out so much earlier in life.

Mike

Jean-Luc Picard said...

I don't think I've ever been 'in sync'.

Michele sent me here.

yellojkt said...

michele sent me.

Graduation is a milestone, not a road block. Just go to where you are needed next.

craziequeen said...

Sometimes the journey of life can get a bit boring and predictable.....and we lose the thrill of the ride......

'I'm fine' is my stock response too.....

cq
Michele sent me to say hi, Mike.

Badoozie said...

i can empathize. i feel lost and confused. i thought my degree would bring me direction, and I don't feel I have any. I'm starting to get scared, about my future and where i'm going to end up. i've had numerous doubts about what I got myself into, and whether or not I made the right career choice. I don't know if that's what you are struggling with, but thought I'd throw it out there

Dave said...

I find that most people don't have a 'plan' they meander along doing their best but few have any idea on what the future will bring. I'm fine with that. Meandered in from Michele's this evening!

Pearl said...

Hello Michele sent me. Writing does help settle the mind into what matters.

Congrats on being so close to graduation.

colleen said...

I have felt similiar at different crossroads in my life. I also have at times had issues with "upper limits" when I lose my sense of trust and doubt my true capabilities. I would suspect that the celebration of graduation would also come with some anti-climactic feelings....maybe some time off before the next phase in which Doris gets her oats? Michele sent me over.

colleen said...

I'm back! I thought I was getting Carmi but you got there first! We must have posted at the same time.

kenju said...

Mike, if you can spell it all out this way, surely you can get to a point of clarity. But don't hope/wish/look for too much too soon - it can get you into a heap of trouble.

BarBarA said...

Glad writing helped you find perspective.

K said...

I remember the anxiety I felt in the year leading up to my graduation. Only a handful of us were really, truly scared about not getting work and that group turned out to have nothing to worry about. We all found jobs we love in the media as opposed to having to go to the dark side (PR). The people that didn't worry are the ones that went back to school to get other degrees or started working in a completely different field. It was funny.

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

Here from Michele tonight! I think I understand what you are feeling...I might understand the ins & outs of it, but that dis-ease of things especially when one is on the "brink" of acheiving all that one has worked so hard for...That little voice that says...in a whisper....Do I Really Want This? Do I Really Know What I Am Doing? (I may be talking out of my A** and if so, pay no attention...
And further...with just three months to go, it seems that all your energy needs to get you to the finish line, and sometimes, the only way to doi that is being diswconnected to everything else in your life....
I think it is wonderful that writing out what you are feeling has helped you to see it all more clearly. I have absolute faith in your Mike---just based on everything I have read here for the last six months or so...!
I know you will come through this with flying colors and will re-connect once again to all that is yours to enjoy in life!

LADY LUXIE said...

psssst!...I think it's a world wide thing what you're feeling - yup'..am sure ov' it!...specially the.........

" look..it's good...seriously.."

and if it were me writing I'd continue with.." dwats but I dunno' why I'm feeling floating here.."...

and that goes for the social life as well..

sigh!..sigh!...

pat pat at the back Mr. Mike...itz' a world wide feelin'..but the world is a' spinnin' ( on its axis thankfully)...

it'll be all right!

ciao:>

LADY LUXIE said...

"it'll be all right.."

I think I should say this to myself...sniff!...sniff!

( sowwy' if my comments are often weird..)

Awareness said...

i get it.......... :)

been feeling the same.....

change is in the air......

so is February.....

keep writing my Mike......

peaks and valleys.......makes the road a little unpredictable.....

Awareness said...

I didn't mean to write that you're MINE! I meant to write "my friend, Mike"............

I must slow the fingers down.......

take care....

muskie.

Lee Ann said...

Writing things down is great solace for me as well.
Keep on writing Mike!
~xo