Friday, July 14, 2006

All I Know

Life has a strange way about it. Maybe it’s the flow of time or the relative nature of things. Perhaps it’s just chance how everything turned out, or is everything according to some grand design? And if so, is all planned down the smallest detail or is it more of a loose framework; the flow chart of life with a series of conditional gates that will determine what the path will be? I have, throughout the course of my own life, seen how these models could be applied, each appearing more or less feasible depending on the situation at hand. And once again I am left with the realization that the more I know the less I know.

I am living a moment, or rather a series of moments, that seems to be pretty smooth – in some respects. And in others there is what feels like chaos. The chaos, however, has not taken top billing; it has not developed a gravitation pull all its own; it is not controlling me. Something is different and although I should know better, I’m trying to figure out what, how and why. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I am looking this gift horse in the mouth – nothing is taken for granted and I do know the answers to those rhetorical questions. It’s just that those answers feel somehow superficial – even hollow.

There is a simplicity that could be characterized as playing by the rules. Not the laws made by man, but the basics of right and wrong, the simple truths that we seem to be born with. Call it conscience, call it spirituality, call it cosmic energy… call it what you will, but admit there is something. It is either strictly explained by science or it is not – it makes no difference. It’s ingrained, almost pre-programmed, but at the same time useless unless invoked. That has historically been my problem… until recently.

Doing it – whatever “it” is – has been anywhere from difficult to impossible, initiated but unsustainable, simultaneously known and unknown ever since I can remember. It has spawned attitudes of entitlement, feelings of inferiority and plenty of arrogance often born of ignorance. I eventually came to believe that I was either too dumb or cursed to succeed in life and proceeded to prove it. No amount of luck was ever enough and it was always just a matter of time before it all came crashing down. The cosmic reset button was my best friend and I visited more and more often.

After a final set of traumatic experiences came my way in rapid succession, I was left with the will to live and not much else. I finally conceded (although I didn’t know it at the time) that perhaps there was something I was missing. Maybe, just maybe I didn’t know it all. Could it be that re-aligning myself with those basics, those core truths that I came with as standard equipment could be the missing piece of the puzzle? Is it possible that after all those years of believing my own lies I could recognize the truth – that I could be sincere… about anything?

Well, you wouldn’t be reading this if it were not possible. It was in fact a reality that I could change my life at any moment. It only takes acceptance that my way is not working, willingness to do anything and honesty manifested as sincerity. However simple it sounds (and it is), I don’t believe I could have consciously created the conditions to bring these principles to light. If I could have known enough to “get there,” I would already have arrived and I would have written all this then, not now. And now is all there ever is.

7 comments:

Snaggle Tooth said...

Hmmm, I think if I knew then what do now, I could've bypassed alot of aggrivation! But if the destination IS the journey, I haven't even arrived in NOW yet.

Very profound post!

mckay said...

i like how we have the opportunity to grow older and wiser...or older and more ignorant. the choice is ours, as you so eloquently pointed out. this is a marvelous post, and a great example of why i keep coming back.

you've pointed out some things that i can use in my own journey. thank you.

BarBarA said...

I ditto what McKay said. Also, I see places in my journey where I had very little to hold on to. In fact, I nearly lost my will to live and was planning my escape. For me, God intervened in a powerful way just in the nick of time. I think what I take away most from what you wrote is that it's a choice - a daily choice - about how we want the outcome to be. "The rules" do apply to the game of life and eventually if you keep breaking them you will be hurt, or broken. For me the rule is basically treating others as I would treat myself - and treating myself well. Don't always do it but I strive to.

Ellen said...

It's all the annoying things about life that teach us the best lessons if we pay attention close enough.... and it takes many years to come to that realization. Our parents might try to warn us of much of it, but it's the experience of the roads we take, that teach us the best lessons of all. A good background of morals and values is only a first-aid kit to help us over the rough spots.

I've always maintained that if I could survive the day without selling my soul in the process, I had a better chance of making it through life without too much trauma. It's getting blindsided by the things you don't anticipate that test your reserve, and we've all been there. But we live and learn hopefully, and plod on through this journey reinventing ourselves through the tasks put before us.

Bravo to you for recognizing your worth.... many people never reach that.

Awareness said...

Where we are now in our journey is due to the accumulation of incidents and choices. We learn from our past. We can reminisce about it as well as shake our heads in disbelief over the goofy decisions that we made.... all our for our own growth if we want to acknowledge the trodden path.

Freedom and Destiny.......to forces that make up our present and future paths. We are in the driver's seat. We can read the map and point the direction to what we want our destination to be. But, the more I think and read and ruminate over it (especially after a couple of glasses of wine :)) there is a Higher Power that is there to guide. We are never alone to find the strength. We have guidance when we want it.

Great thoughts, Mike. I read it first yesterday and your words stayed with me all day while I went about my day.

I'm so glad I flapped my butterfly wing and found your blog not so long ago!

~QZ~ said...

you're of course totally right. and being a man, and writing this, you certainly have come a long way. most men stay buried beneath their lies and just cover up the crap with more of life. turn up the volume sort of.

Saur♥Kraut said...

I believe it's all very possible for you, but you're the exception and not the rule. Sadly. *hugs*